As I recover from having COVID-19 late last year, I am stunned by how much shaming I hear and see. I'm sure I am sensitive to this because of my experience, but it seems that there is a lot more shaming than compassion and care. For example, I have heard people say things like, "It serves them right to get the disease. They haven't been conscientious in their behavior." Shaming can range from subtle forms like giving someone a disapproving look, or in more aggressive ways such as ridiculing or accusing someone.
Why Do People Resort to Shaming?
Often we are trying to feel better about ourselves, more in control of our situation, and safer in our environment. Also, shaming behavior is usually fueled by anger. This makes sense because we are all impacted by the reckless behavior of others. We might think that shaming someone might make them feel bad, which would motivate them to fall in line and act in a socially acceptable manner. But that is usually not the case.
Decades of research shows that shaming doesn't change people's behavior. It merely drives the behavior underground. Furthermore, shaming may cause more disconnection within society as we categorize people into “good” and "bad" groups. That's because once we classify someone as part of the "bad group”, we distance ourselves from them and try to make others do the same thing.
Positive Solutions
Here are some ways we can move away from shaming others:
Learn how to manage our emotions and thoughts. It’s essential to develop the skills to distance ourselves from our thoughts and feelings so that they do not fester and cause us to express them in untended ways. Instead of suppressing our emotions or thoughts, our mindfulness practice helps us build the skills needed to accept our feelings and thoughts and explore them without judgment.
Move from shaming to empathy. Attempting to understand the other person's perspective allows us to walk in another’s shoes. Below are three examples of what this might look like.
Suppose you are considering ignoring the safety guidelines. In that case, empathy can help you ask a question like, "What if my actions result in passing the virus along to someone else?"
Consider the situation where someone is standing too close to you. Instead of immediately thinking the other person is disregarding the guidelines, pause to consider what might be going on with this person. Or ask, "Is it possible that the person didn't realize what they were doing?" This pause gives us time to consider the best action for keeping us safe and prevents us from impulsively acting and jumping to incorrect conclusions.
Another example is when friends invite you to their home for dinner, but you don't feel you can adhere to physical distancing guidelines by accepting their invitation. Your first reaction might be to respond in a way that may sound "preachy" or “scolds them” for suggesting the dinner. Instead of explaining how wrong they were, reflect on how you can react with appreciation and still decline the invitation. To put you in a respectful and grateful frame of mind, keep in mind what it feels like to be shamed. This may help you respond with more kindness and respect.
Consider what is in our control. We are unlikely to convince people to change their behavior even if we respectfully ask them to follow guidelines. One way we can reduce our stress and anxiety is to realize that the only behavior we can truly control is our own.
Adopt kindness connections. Even while we are physically distancing, we can still connect with others. One way to do this is to make eye contact when trying to maintain a safe distance. Also, remember we can always smile with our eyes, even if our mouth is covered.
The uncertainty and fear in our environment make it easy to resort to shaming others who think and act differently than we do. Even though it might feel good while doing it, shaming another is unlikely to change their behavior. It will only serve as a means to further polarize us. And, don’t we need less of that today?