By now, most of us have been confined to our homes for at least a few weeks. During this time, we’ve heard stories and even experienced situations where we would say it has brought out the best in us. Yet, with all of this closeness and the extra tension we’re all feeling, we may have lost our patience with someone close to us. Or, we may have been hurt by the words or actions of another.
It is, of course, understandable that with all of this closeness and the stress of our environment, there have been disagreements and hurt feelings. The cause of these is probably something small and inconsequential in the big scheme of things. But these disagreements may have created an unnecessary level of tension between you and another person. Whether you were the offender or the person wounded, holding in these feelings can have a big impact on both your emotional and physical well-being.
Forgiving Others
While it may be difficult to forgive someone who hurt you, forgiveness is something that you do for yourself. Why? Holding on to a grudge will only make you feel worse, and not just emotionally. Resentment can cause your blood pressure to spike and trigger the release of stress chemicals that can make you physically sick.
And holding on to resentment doesn’t really do any good anyway. As the saying goes: “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. The paradox is that when you have been wronged, forgiveness is the only thing that provides relief.
The major obstacle to forgiving another is misunderstanding what forgiveness is. It does not mean forgetting the offense that occurred or condoning or excusing it. And, it doesn’t require that the offending person admit what they did was wrong or even ask for forgiveness or change their ways. Forgiveness is making a conscious choice to release yourself from the burden, pain, and stress of holding on to resentment.
The following is a brief exercise that you might find helpful in releasing the burden you carry from another person who has hurt you.
Think of someone who has caused you pain and who you are holding resentment against. It can be something relatively small or seemingly inconsistent.
Next, visualize the time you were hurt by this person and feel the pain you still carry.
Now, observe what emotion is present. Is it anger, resentment, or sadness? Use your body as a barometer and notice physically what you feel. Are you tense anywhere, or do you feel heavy?
Next, bring awareness to your thoughts: are they hateful, spiteful, or something else?
Really feel this burden associated with the hurt that lives inside you, and ask yourself:
Who is suffering?
Have I carried this burden long enough?
Am I willing to forgive? If the answer is no, that’s OK. Some wounds need more time than others to heal.
If you are ready to let it go now, silently repeat:
Breathing in: “I acknowledge the pain.”
Breathing out: “I am forgiving and releasing this burden from my heart and mind.”
Continue this process for as long as it feels supportive to you.
Forgiving Yourself
Maya Angelou once said, “If you live, you will make mistakes, it is inevitable. But once you do, and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better, I’d have done better’. That’s all.”
If you find that you’ve hurt someone, the following exercise may help you release the self-blame and burden you carry for your actions.
During this time, it is likely that we will be hurt by those closest to us and we might even hurt others. Please keep in mind that unmanaged stress and anxiety can cause us to act in ways that we wouldn’t normally do. As we continue to move through this crisis, please consider that we are all just trying to do our best.