The second pillar of kindness is kind thoughts. The best way to think about this is to picture the running dialogue in our heads. Typically, that dialogue is composed of thoughts about ourselves and others. It's that voice that whispers things like, "that person doesn't like me," or “they think I'm not smart, etc." It is essential to realize that this running dialogue will manifest itself in subtle ways. It might lead us to prejudge others, or it may become the inner voice that makes suggestions, commands, and devalues us.
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Self-Criticism
One of the best ways to evolve our thoughts about others is to learn how to manage our beliefs about ourselves. Self-criticism is the harsh and often harmful evaluation of ourselves. Higher levels of self-criticism are associated with social anxiety, social phobias, depression, and even eating disorders (Dreisoerner et al., 2020). We are also more likely to perceive that others negatively judge us and are less likely to reach out for support (Boersma et al., 2015). Our self-criticism is often rooted in the belief that we are different (not in a good way) and have unique flaws that others do not have. The view can become toxic where shame and fear of exposure reinforce a vicious cycle of running negative dialogue, leading to less socially oriented behavior (Dreisoerner et al., 2020).
Self-Compassion
Silencing the self-critic involves learning to accept our failures, missteps and not living to expectations. Self-compassion comprises three components, each with a positive and negative pole.
Self-kindness vs. self-judgment Self-kindness refers to the ability to understand and care for oneself rather than being critical and judgmental. It is a kind attitude towards oneself in painful moments instead of self-criticism and self-degradation. The underlying assumption is that you deserve to be loved, understood, and valued regardless of external factors. Self-judgment involves acting with hostility and criticism. Developing self-kindness requires us to find ways of reducing self-judgment, realizing our self-worth, softening critical self-talk, and becoming less disapproving of perceived personal flaws.
Common humanity vs. isolation Common humanity means understanding that suffering is part of a shared human experience and recognizing that none of us is perfect. We make mistakes; we fail and fall short of expectations. When we remind ourselves that other people share our experiences, we identify more with others, strengthening our sense of belonging. The opposite of shared humanity is isolation which comes with a sense that emotional pain, flaws, or failures are only inherent in ourselves. When we feel isolated, we tend to hide and pretend to have different emotions because we fear rejection. To develop a sense of shared humanity requires shifting our mindset from seeing our flaws and failures as something uniquely ours, to something we share with others. When we accept that we are part of common humanity, we understand that personal failure and shortcomings are typical, shared by everyone. It will lessen self-shame and self-criticism (Barnard and Curry, 2011).
Mindfulness vs. over-identification and avoidance. Mindfulness refers to taking a balanced and non-judgmental view toward our perceived flaws and painful or unwanted emotions. On the other hand, over-identification describes when we focus exclusively on our pain and find ourselves ruminating about it. Rumination implies a constant focus on our problems and the associated negative emotions, causes, and consequences. We often recognize when we are in this state but continue to dramatize the situation to the point that nothing else is essential. Avoidance is when we suppress or ignore our emotions through denial, distraction, and numbing ourselves to avoid the pain.
Benefits of Self-Compassion
A higher level of self-compassion is associated with positive psychological health and wellbeing (Zessin et al., 2015). Specifically, self-compassion has been associated with less anxiety, depression, and stress. It has also been a buffer against distressing experiences (Lopez et al., 2018). For example, people with a higher level of self-compassion show lower negative consequences when faced with failure, rejection, or embarrassment. Some studies also indicated that self-compassion results in less procrastination (Williams et al., 2008) and higher motivation levels toward self-improvement (Breines and Chen, 2012).
Self-Compassion Can Be Learned
Many studies have demonstrated that self-compassion can be improved with practice (Ferrari et al., 2019). Here’s a brief self-reflection exercise that may help you become aware of that inner critic running in the background of your thoughts.
Practice:
Reflect on a situation where you made a mistake, had a disagreement, or failed to be sensitive to someone else's needs.
What were the causes?
How did you feel?
How did others react?
What did your inner voice have to say about this situation?
Explore ways other people may also experience this type of situation. How might it be different from your experience?
Consider how you would express understanding, kindness, and concern to those involved.
Then reflect how this message for others might be applied to the messages you say to yourself. Tip: Ask yourself, “Would you say this to your best friend? Then, why would you say this to yourself?"
As you take this journey to more self-compassion, please keep in mind that it will take time and practice. And, know that each time you modify that inner critic to be kinder and more forgiving, you are rewiring your brain for self-compassion.
References
Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, & interventions. Review of General Psychology, 15, 289–303.
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38, 1133–1143.
Boersma, K., Håkanson, A., Salomonsson, E., & Johansson, I. (2015). Compassion focused therapy to counteract shame, self-criticism and isolation. A replicated single case experimental study for individuals with social anxiety. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 45, 89–98.
Dreisoerner, A., Junker, N. M., & Van Dick, R. (2020). The relationship among the components of self-compassion: A pilot study using a compassionate writing intervention to enhance self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 1-27.
Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455–1473.
López, A., Sanderman, R., Smink, A., Zhang, Y., van Sonderen, E., Ranchor, A., et al. (2015). A reconsideration of the self-compassion scale’s total score: Self-compassion versus self-criticism. PloS ONE, 10, e0132940.
Williams, J. G., Stark, S. K., & Foster, E. E. (2008). The relationships among self-compassion, motivation, and procrastination. American Journal of Psychological Research, 4, 37–44.
Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self-compassion and wellbeing: A meta-analysis. Applied Psychology, 7, 340–364.