The past year has drastically changed how we socialize with each other. But one thing has remained the same - the way we find out what's going on in other people's lives. Research shows that a part of almost every conversation is dedicated to finding out what is going on with our mutual connections. As a matter of fact, researchers say that about two-thirds of our conversations are dedicated to talking about others (Dunbar et al., 1997). That's because it satisfies our basic need for friendship and our need for belonging. It’s no wonder that Facebook has such a hold on our lives.
Want more tips to live a healthier and happier life? Check out Saundra’s latest book here.
As I was checking in with someone I hadn't talked to in a while, I found myself asking about what is going on with our mutual friends. It occurred to me that this might be considered gossiping. And we have all been warned since our childhood about the evils of doing that. I can still hear my grandmother quoting Proverbs, "Gossip separates the best of friends." After my conversation, I wondered, was I "gossiping"?
Most of us associate gossip with a malicious intention to enjoy relaying negative information about someone (Beersma & Van Kleep, 2012). However, in scientific literature, gossip is often defined without moralizing the content or attributing it to motives (Cruz et al., 2021). Researchers argue that gossip is an essential function of language and is crucial for healthy social functioning (Wert & Salovey, 2004). It helps us explore our social environment and make sense of social relationships. In this way, gossip is a natural way of learning about our social world indirectly. Furthermore, the informative nature of gossip helps us to develop an understanding of our self, others, and how we interact. It also allows us to adapt to group functions such as maintaining close friends and social cohesion.
The point of exploring this topic is to reflect on how often we accept "common wisdom" without taking time to explore what it means to us. In this case, asking about others is natural and helped me connect to the person I was talking to and feel part of a community. It also allowed me to "re-live" positive experiences with others and to appreciate friendships, even if I haven't spoken to them in a while.
Upon reflection, I concluded that "gossiping" only applies when I share or repeat information about someone that is either confidential, harmful, damaging, or done for selfish reasons.
When we carve out time for reflection, we have the opportunity to explore our relationships, our hopes and dreams, and our behavior. Self-reflection doesn't have to be something that requires a lot of time. It might only be a few minutes each day. Or when we are walking or exercising. If you need more information or ideas on how to start a reflection practice, here’s a brief exercise that may help.
References
Beersma, B., & Van Kleef, G. A. (2011). How the grapevine keeps you in line: Gossip increases contributions to the group. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2(6), 642-649. doi:10.1177/1948550611405073
Cruz, T. D., Nieper, A. S., Testori, M., Martinescu, E., & Beersma, B. (2021). An Integrative Definition and Framework to Study Gossip. Group & Organization Management, 46(2), 252-285.
Dunbar, R. I. M., Duncan, N. D. C., & Marriott, A. (1997). Human conversational behavior. Human Nature, 8, 231-246.
Foster, E. K. (2004). Research on gossip: Taxonomy, methods, and future directions. Review of General Psychology, 8, 78-99.
Wert, S. R., & Salovey, P. (2004). A social comparison account of gossip. Review of General Psychology, 8(2), 122-137.