When we embark on making healthy choices to improve our lives, we will have failures and slip up. And when this happens, we may go down the path of negative self-talk such as, “I knew I couldn’t do this” or “my will is so weak.” These messages may become so strong that we give up and go back to doing what we have always done.
Recent research demonstrates that self-compassion may be a positive, protective factor when making changes. Evidence suggests that self-compassion reduces feelings of guilt, feelings that usually trigger unhealthy habits. People with a self-compassionate mindset realize that everyone makes mistakes, and there’s no reason to feel shame or be self-critical when we fall back into our old habits or give in to temptations.
Some people reject the notion of self-compassion, believing that having compassion for yourself will lead to a pattern of making excuses and eventually lead to giving up on our goals. This is not the case. Research has shown that people with a self-compassionate mindset procrastinate less, re-engage after failure more regularly, take on more accountability, and are more open to feedback. This leads to stronger behavior change and growth.
The following exercise may help you learn to forgive yourself when you slip up or don’t live up to your expectations.
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Consider a situation where you made a mistake or were disappointed in yourself. Take a moment to bring that situation to mind. It might be eating that cookie you resolved not to eat or having that second helping when you were already full.
Just recalling this situation may cause you to feel uncomfortable, even if it occurred some time ago.
As you bring this situation to mind, notice your breath. It might be shallow, or you might even be holding your breath. Try to take a few slow, even breaths. Take longer and slower inhales and exhales with each round of breath.
As you complete several rounds of breath, see if the disappointment you feel is starting to lessen. If not, keep breathing until you feel a little more centered and are ready to consider another way to think about that situation.
When you’re ready, visualize yourself as a small child standing before your grown-up self.
As the small child, ask your adult self to forgive you for whatever disappointment you feel.
You might say something like “I need forgiveness for_____________.” Insert whatever is bothering you.
Then say, “I wish I could have done better. I will keep trying to be the person you want me to be”.
Next, visualize your grown-up self hugging you.
As you hug, feel forgiveness take hold of you.
Now, take a few breaths to acknowledge this forgiveness and visualize yourself as the small child and the adult. Each prepared to support the other.
Many of us have become so accustomed to negative self-talk that the concept of self-acceptance and kindness may feel unusual and uncomfortable. However, when we accept that we are human and make mistakes, we are more likely to put those mistakes behind us and stay on our journey of making healthy choices.
Most important of all:
Keep in mind that change is hard for all of us.
Be kind in your self-talk.
Practice self-forgiveness when you don’t live up to your expectations.
And celebrate small successes.